disgusted

sometimes we just want someone who is willing to protect us at any costs. keep us away from danger, even to the extent of deceiving us. living each day in lies, putting on a front. suffering and enduring the pain all by themselves and not let us in an inch to share their burdens. all they hope for is to see us everyday in their lives.

why are there people out there who are so selfless? they always spare a thought for others but never themselves. i become pale in comparsion. the things i have been doing all these years evolve around me. personal achievement, my own time, my leisure, my social life! i have never shared a single part of me with them. i am like a lone ranger living in my own world.

i claim i did all these are for them. is that just an excuse for what i have done? how noble i am in front of others! i feel like shit, trying to fill up the hole in my heart. painting a picture but it never turns out to be perfect. does that make me feel better?

i am just disgusted by myself.